Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

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  A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")

  
  


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  Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.

"It can be not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Characteristics

Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium exactly where friends could ponder imprecise disappointment

  
  


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  A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Regulate established to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

  
  

Area Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."